February 23, 2017 - Press Secretary
Trump Announces New More Inclusive and Tolerant Public Restroom Guidelines
Trump’s new public bathroom initiative looks to enhance inclusion and tolerance!
Exclusive!!
In a robust effort to enhance inclusion and tolerance at public restrooms, Trump will announce his sweeping new guidelines that are to take effect within the next week, White House sources who wish to remain anonymous leaked to us this morning. These sweeping actions are designed to support the “Make American Awesome Now” (MAAN) initiatives.
“We need to ensure no one feels left out in any public restrooms.” – Anonymous White House source.
Here is his 6-point guideline factsheet we can expect to be announced shortly:
- There will no longer be limiting restrictions on access to public restrooms. We strive to ensure complete and unfettered access to any facility for anyone in need of urination or defecation services.
- All walls in public restrooms will be replaced with double-pane shatter-resistant glass.
- All doors will be removed.
- Stand up urinals will be replaced with toilets.
- Any reference to birth sex on or near public restrooms will be fined $500 with proceeds going to the MAAN foundation.
- This initiative’s goal is to ensure a discrimination-free number-1 or number-2 potty experience. “We want anyone to feel comfortable going to the bathroom anywhere they feel inclined to relieve themselves.” (Another anonymous White Source says)
Forbidden: Sex Identification Signs at Public Restrooms
There was mixed reaction when we announced this to our newsroom staff. Some rejoiced and some were mildly concerned. We performed a scientific poll for everyone on our staff to get a feel for how this new initiative would be received by the general public. Everyone had an opinion. Here are a few of those responses.
“This is so liberating!” – Joe in Copywriting.
“I’ve been waiting for a long time for such an open-toilet concept.” – Joleene in Graphics
“I’m a little concerned someone might see ‘that tattoo’ now.” – Allyson in Billing
Next on Trump’s bold MAAN agenda?
The complete revocation of any chivalrous acts.
Look for new guidelines as early as next week detailing how men: (1) holding doors for women, (2) walking on the street side of the sidewalk with one’s female companion and (2) giving up their taxis for women will be punished to the maximum extent of the law!
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