May 4, 2020 - Press Secretary
Trump Partners with Apple to Produce Self-Injecting Coronavirus Watches
In a stunning show of solidarity, Apple has agreed to put aside its disdain for the Trump Administration and vowed to collaborate with the COVID-19 Task Force to produce the first-of-its-kind, self-injecting watches. Nicknamed the iCOVID, these watches will sync with a person’s biology and detect the early onset of any COVID-19 symptoms. Once any symptom is detected, the watch will download the latest vaccination from Apple’s cloud and start a series of mini injections.
“These Apple engineers are geniuses. You know, I know a genius when I see one and these guys and gals are right up there with other geniuses!” Trump exclaimed during his latest morning COVID-19 press conference. “The concept behind the iCOVID” Trump stated, “is to have a series of mini injections of either UV light or whatever the correct chemical disinfectant substance is–I leave those details up to the experts–over a period of 2 to 3 weeks.”
Apple engineers we interviewed were beside themselves, unable to contain their excitement. “Can you believe we get to design a new watch for the President?” Lolly, a 10-year Apple veteran exclaimed?
“I’ve been waiting all my life…” stated Jullianna, an Apple product design engineer “to have such an opportunity!”
Senior Apple Engineer and iCOVID product owner, Sven McNalley helped explain some of the details. “You see, we’ve been able to digitize this vaccine in either UV format or ultra-concentrated disinfectant format. And what gets downloaded from the iCloud is the format best suited for the person.” Sven went on to explain how a combination of factors including the person’s age, geographical location, body weight, last food consumed, and others are what determines the correct download and mini dosage. Sven indicated that they have selected the brightest young engineers from around the globe and flown them out to California to begin research and production. We hope to have the first working prototype within 2 weeks with the first working iCOVID ready in a month.
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