May 3, 2020 - Press Secretary
Trump Appoints Greta Thunberg to Lead U.S. COVID-19 Pandemic Task Force
In a move touted by experts as “the smartest thing Trump has done yet,” Trump appointed Ms. Greta Thunberg to lead the U.S. COVID-19 Pandemic efforts. “With her years of leadership experience and scientific expertise, Ms. Thunberg was the obvious choice to replace Vice President Pence as the U.S. Pandemic Task Force leader” Trump said to a packed press conference.
“While I have been happy with Mike’s performance so far,” Trump continued, “I felt the need to instill an overt level of confidence in the American people to let them know we’re serious about overcoming this COVID-19 speedbump.” Vice President Pence agreed. “I’m so excited that Greta accepted such a demanding position,” Pence said. “We really needed someone who can ‘take this COVID-19 bull by its horns’ and Greta is the perfect candidate.”
“I cannot express my excitement,” Thunberg bubbled to an excited room of media journalists. “I think it’s about time someone took the initiative to put a seasoned professional in charge of the United States’ COVID-19 task force!” Ms. Thunberg emphasized. Ms. Thunberg told us that her appointment came with some demands. “First of all, I demanded that I do all the talking at every COVID-19 press conference,” she stated. “I also required that every Tuesday and Thursday night I have 2 hours of uninterrupted access to Looney Tunes cartoons on the Cartoon Network.” “Mr. Trump – he likes me to call him Donnie – accepted all my demands and even threw in Wednesday night ice cream night with the First Lady. I mean who better than a climate change expert to lead the charge to eradicate the U.S. and the world from this pandemic?” She concluded.
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